Night time.

Each passing night this week I've laid in bed, awake, staring at the darkness around me, wishing my life was different. Wondering WHY? Why am I where I am right now? Why did she die? Why did this happen to us? Why can't I just feel NORMAL again?

Each night, it gets later and later, I'm consumed by my own thoughts, obsessing, replaying senarios, memories - good and bad and then it's nearly 4am..

I miss my life when everything made sense, I knew where my life was headed, not the particulars but I knew the direction I was headed in and now.. now I just dont know. I'm lost, my emotions go in so many different directions each day - it's hard to keep up and it's exausting.

The mixture of Celexa & Clomazapam calms me down and on the outside I probably seem okay but I still have the thoughts I did before the medication came into the picture - I just dont cry about it anymore and it shows less and less on my face. I still feel hopeless and lost but at least nobody has to listen to me cry about it. Now I'm just stuck in my head with all my thoughts.

I'm calm on the outside, but the racing thoughts in my head around enough to make me go crazy at times.

It's 2am now. My hope is that getting this out of my head will give me some relief to my anxiety and I can get a good nights sleep.

9 months

9 months has passed since I kissed your sweet face for the first and last time, held you in my arms and then had to say good-bye. 9 months has passed and not a day goes by that I dont think of you. I think of where we'd be right now, what you'd be doing, how beautiful you are, and how much it hurts that I get to experience none of it. I miss you my baby Lily, more then I've ever missed anyone in my life. Our time together is all I have, the time you spent inside of me, kicking, hiccuping and me knowing I was never alone because you were with me..

You're still with me, I know. You always will be. <3

This is my life..

Life goes on, and as it does grief becomes easier to handle but memories never fade, whether they are good or bad. But even though the grief becomes easier to deal with, it's still there - just not at the surface anymore. I can smile, when something good happens - I'm happy. I try to laugh, to love and to live. But a part of me is still so damaged I cry myself to see some nights, wishing, aching, wanting so badly to have you in my arms. Lately, my bad days are.. awful. Sometimes it feels like my bad days (weeks?) out weigh the good ones and I know it pains everyone around me to see me laying in bed all day - sad, hurt and feeling utterly hopeless. Cary tries so hard to help me, but in those dark times I want to be alone, I'd rather no one see me like that.

I havent writen here in a really long time. Life seems to be standing still in a dark cloud of anxiety, depression and low self esteem most of the time. No one wants to hear about that, but thats my life. I do still have good things in my life but I'm not working, not doing anything to better myself, over eating, over sleeping, binge drinking once again. My medication helped for a while but doesnt seem to be doing anything anymore so we upped the dose, guess we'll see what happens. Most of the time, I may seem happy enough, but if you knew how I really felt inside you'd wonder how I even got up in the morning, and honestly alot of times I dont or it's a horrible struggle.

Even though I feel like this, I want to try, to try and be happy again, my old self or something close to it. Starting monday, it's all about work, exercise, weight watchers and NO drinking.

Wish me luck and hopefully my next post wont reak of heartache.

Meds

After today, I dont think my views on medication are quite the same as I once thought. I was a firm believer in exercise, good diet, meditation, relaxing - I felt that was the only thing I needed for anxiety and panic attacks. Today, I realized none of that is going to help, not to the point that I need it too. I hate taking medication, I hate it. After today, I'll be thankful for it.

Last night, a bad mood turned into rage then to crying, panic, self-loathing, desperation for my daughter, more guilt then I ever thought I could feel, longing.. I woke up this morning in a haze, constantly on the verge of tears. I got threw school, did what I needed to & left for work. The elevator was broken so I took the stairs. I went up two flights to our office and then decided to go back down for a smoke before I started. I came down the first flight and about 1/4 way down the next and I got the horribly firmilar feeling - tight chest, hard to breath, sweating, vertigo, shaky. These are feelings I know all too well and even so it completely caught me off gaurd. I panicked & I fell. I have a nice bruise on the side of my face, my knee is fucked and my arm is all scraped up.

I never thought panic attacks and anxiety would or could effect my daily life so much, I thought I could control it. I was wrong. I swore I wouldnt take Celexa again and I still wont, but I cant live like this.

Waiting.

I havent posted here in a while. I havent had time, energy - mentally or physically or the drive to really sit down and let it all out. I've been working, going to school, taking care of things at home, trying to keep myself active (sometimes) but mostly I've been pushing every bit of grief, sadness & pain away. Far, far away. I've been trying so hard to ignore it, keep it out of my head and relish in the love and happiness I still have in my life. I still havent put Lily's stuff away, I havent stepped foot in there in probably a month, maybe more. I feel a great amount of guilt, deep down - I dont let that escape the depths of my mind very often either. It hurts too much to think, I'm the reason Lily isnt here, I did something wrong. That is what I think regardless of whether it's the truth or not. It hurts too much, so I just dont think about it anymore. I feel guilty for not going in her room, for not spending the time to put her things away, folding them neatly and putting them in a box, just as I did putting her stuff in her dresser after we'd spent months buying all of it. I feel guilty, but I dont think about it. I rarely talk about her.

I feel like I'm not healing, but I'm just pushing it all away. Keeping it all away from the surface so no one will notice, so even I dont notice how heartbroken I am.

Cary and I are closer than ever, even with our crazy schedules. He makes me happy, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel loved and wanted. He's maybe the only person in my life that truly knows how I am feeling, because even with this charade I put on, no matter how far away I push my pain. He always sees threw me. He's the only one who sees me when I break down. Which may not happen often but when it does, it's an intense wave of emotion that knocks me down and sometimes I cant get up for hours.

I fill my days with work & school, I keep myself busy and when I come home, I spend as much time with Cary as I can even if it's just laying in bed in his arms. He makes me feel safe and just when I feel myself beginning to think about my guilt, my pain - he makes my heart whole again, as whole as it'll ever be after loosing Lily. When I do break down he's there to hold me, but it's different then every other day. There's an intensity, there's strength I've never felt before, sort of like he's holding me together when I cant do it for myself.

Last week, I had my IUD put in. I dont know how I feel about this. I'm still a mother, a mother with empty arms. A mother with no child present but a mother none the less. That part of me thinks on a daily basis that I should be going to the clinic and having it removed. I want a baby. I want a family. I know Cary does too.

On the other hand, the broken hearted mother, the mother with no child present who feels an unbareable amount of guilt thinks maybe, maybe it's Lily I want. Not another baby. That part of me thinks having the IUD put in was a smart move and until I can come to terms with the loss of Lily and have the strength and love to welcome another child into the world and not long for it to be Lily, the IUD stays.

Faces

I've been having a pretty hard time lately, inside. On the outside, well lets just say I put on a pretty good charade. Things with Cary and I are on the rocks which makes things much worse for me. Besides that, I'm so upset there are barely any support groups here & nothing linking winnipeg to iamtheface.com. I want to change that. I'm nothing special and why the hell would anyone listen to me, but I need to try. I found a template on iamtheface.com for a letter to the press and I'm revamping it as we speak.

I've spent so long in the dark, crying, blogging, but never doing anything. Maybe, there are more women who are going threw the same thing here, maybe someone just down the street, maybe not but I have no idea! No idea, but if IM 1 in 4 - there has to be more of us around here.

Thank you

Thank you. Thank you to all ladies who've reached out to me in my time of need. You know how I feel and you've showed me that I will be okay. <3 When I tried to push my feelings away, you showed me it's okay to let them out. We're connected in a way most people will never understand - we share grief, pain, strength and most of all love. I can never express fully how greatful I am for what I've learned from all of you.

3 months

Yesterday, the day before valentines day Cary & my parents suprised with me flowers & a stuffed kitty that looks like my Fella (cuz they know how much I love my little man, best kitty in the world<3). They gave me beautiful yellow lily's - it wasnt for Valentines day, it was a sweet gesture to let me know they think about my sweet baby Lily aswell. Sometimes, it seems like I'm the only one who still feels the pain of loosing her, but thats not true. Im not alone in my grief. Yesterday, Lily would have been 3 months old. If I could have anything in the world right now, it'd just to be able to hold her and tell her how I love her, god I love her so much. Some people say you cant miss someone you never met, but I miss her so much..

I really cant believe its been 3 months already - it's gone by so fast. Daily life has a new normal, not what I thought it'd be like but I can handle it and I'm doing okay.

On a happier note, Cary and I had our Valentines day on the weekend, it was filled with homemade truffles (courtesy of moi), sappy cards, wine, horror movies and cuddles. I'm one lucky girl to have this man in my life.

I'm so happy Ive found someone who's not perfect but so perfect for me, gives me hope and gives me strength and is the love of my life. I dont know what'd do with out him - especially in times like these.

Nursery

 I've been thinking alot about the nursery lately - I wish I had put away Lily's stuff along time ago. It's been almost 4 months since we lost her & all of the times I've gone in her room, intending on trying to put things away, I've ended up curled up in the fetal position bawling my eyes out. Now, I feel like I wont be able to move forward with my life until that room is boxed up. We sleep right next door to her room and as soon as I go to bed and I think about her stuff just sitting in that room, untouch, unused - it breaks my heart over and over. I've even gone as far as sleeping upstairs sometimes.

I feel guilty for just leaving it there also, all this time and I've just left it sitting there. I wish I had just made myself do it much earlier. Maybe, it's a good thing I didnt push myself to do it so early on? Maybe I should have just done it? I dont know, but now I have to do it and it's either going to make me hurt even more or make me stronger..

I'll keep you posted on that one. I dont want to hurt anymore so I'm hoping the end result is the latter.

Panic

I've been having panic attacks again. I litteraly feel like I'm dying and it's extremely unpleasant. They've been becoming less frequent when I exercise regularly though, so I guess I'm hitting two birds with one stone there - get in shape, loose the baby weight plus some and I dont have panic attacks as often. I've never had them this often though, and I'd really, really like to be med free but I guess I'll have to check in with my Dr to see if I should be.

Other then that, I've been feeling.. okay. I'm more open to talking about Lily and making her exsistance more real to others, and myself I guess. Sometimes, I feel like I was just pregnant for 9 months and then.. nothing, life just went back to the way it was. But that's just not true. She was alive, I felt her, she was real. & life is definitely not the same as it was, but sometimes it feels that way. Then I get a kick in the face from reality & I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like that sometimes? Perhaps it's my subconcious way of coping? I dont know..

Anywho, couple good things happening in my life.. school - I start tuesday. Hoooray. Excited! Also applying at the university for a cashier position at the book store there, only part time buut it's $18/hr.. so CHA-CHING but very little work. lol. Also, I'll be workin with Cary, well in the same university but the university is a little city in itself lol So maybe we can have lunch together? :P So that's pretty exciting aswell. I'm pretty much done not working and being on unemployment. I'm a very self sufficient person but somehow I've lost my independance and it feels awful.

Oh, and I've been cooking again. I have been cooking up a storm! & it feels pretty great and Cary definitely appreciates it. :)

Other then that, maybe I'm a bit excited for tax time? I am in DESPERATE need of some real money and to do a few things for myself (and Cary) first off - new phones! Woohoo blackberrys! I miss my BB Curve SO much! Annd Cary's getting a torch 'cause I'm such an AWESOME girlfriend lol. Annd I'll also be signing up for weight watchers and another 6 months at the gym and the rest goes in the bank! (oor maybe a night on the town and some new clothes then the rest in the bank? lol)

I think doing a few things just for me will be a really good thing, I'm living on such limited means right now, and I'm not used to it. I need to have those days where I can just go get my nails done with MY money or buy a new top or whatever the case may be but with MY money. It's never MY money anymore, it's Carys. I pay my rent/bills but that's it, I have zero money for anything else for myself and I hate "asking" for money. It stinks. It's made me quite a bit more.. careful with money, I guess. But I'm a girl damnit - I need my nails done every once and a while lol & I used to be able to do it with out "asking". I miss that.


I miss alot of things but these are things I can change, so it's all I got.

Decisions

I've been really thinking about myself lately, what I want, what I dont want, what will make my life full and satisfying again, what will make the pain of loosing Lily easier to deal with - not what anyone else thinks is "best for me". I'm tired of being told what I should or shouldn't do, what will make me happy again, or what will make things worse. It's my life; I'm the one living it & I have to live with constant feelings of guilt and heartache. I have the right to make my own desicions, what's best for ME. My life has taken such a drastic turn.. for the worst? Yes, but now I need to pick up the pieces of what used to be my life & live it again..

My life has changed so much, so much it nearly made my head spin. In a matter of minutes my whole life changed, once again. The majority of last year I spent preparing, preparing to be a mother, preparing to be the best mother I could possibly be, and now I dont have a child to take care of, our nursery is no longer needed & everything I spent so long preparing for - just isnt here now, my whole life is different. There wasnt a doubt in the world that I wouldn't be changing diapers right now, that I wouldnt have my sweet little girl to take care of, but that's not how things turned out. It's heartbreaking, gut wrenchingly painful but I dont think trying to get pregnant again is the answer, I dont think it will help me heal anymore then I am right now, it's a slow process but I am healing; in my own way. I'm not saying it wouldnt help some, but it just isnt the answer for me.

I still want to have a family, I truely do want to be a mother.. and I am. I felt it deep down inside of me when I was pregnant with Lily. I felt her and I knew then this is what I wanted. But she isnt here, physically, I have no child to care for, but.. she'll always be with me. I'll love her until my very last breath and beyond, she'll always be my first born, my sweet little girl but maybe right now isnt the time to try again. I think if I got pregnant now.. I would drive myself isnane, I would always think there was something wrong and honestly I'd always wish it were Lily, I'd wish she were here.

I think what I need to do is something for me. I want to better myself, I want to be all I can be for when I do have a family. I want to be physically fit, mentally stable and I want to have something to show for my hard work, I want to say "I did this and I'm godamn proud of myself" not that I wouldnt feel that way raising my daughter but that just isnt going to happen.

So, what am I going to do?

Well there are many things I plan on doing, many things I plan on changing in my life but the big one is.. Im going back to school. Im finally going to do something I want to do, something that makes me happy, that Im honestly excited about. Firstly, Im going back to get my Grade 12 math and english, not so excited about that but its the first step before getting into Tourism and Hospitality Management. And Im VERY excited about that. I grew up in the restaurant business, my parents ran 2 restaurants when I was between the ages of 7 and 14 & I love it. When I do graduate and I have this degree, there are so many different things I can do, any type of management within hotels, restaurants, cruiseships and even though I'll be majoring in hospitality, I can still get into Tourism if I want to. There's alot of oppurtunity for travel, though I'm pretty positive Cary and I have decided for right now we want to stay where we are but I can still travel on my own for work and still live here. This, is really exciting to me. I havent been excited about -anything- for a really long time.

I think going back to school is going to do me a world of good, give me back my self worth, give me back my confidence, my independence, my life. I'm not me anymore & I havent been since Lily died. I want who I used to be back. I used to be fun, outgoing, social, confident, determained, a good person, a good girlfriend, daughter, friend, sister. I stopped being all those things when I thought my life was over, when I heard the words "There's no heartbeat". When my world came crashing down in front of me, I stopped being all those things, I became a shell of the woman I used to be and I want ME back. And I think this is the first big step in the right direction - to grow, to heal, to be able to do something I really love and feel that zest for life again.

Maybe in a couple years we'll be ready again, maybe even just after I graduate, maybe not. I really dont know.. but when I am, I'll know. It'll be the right time for me, for us.

I know I'll never be the same again & it's stupid to think I can just go back to being who I was, my whole life shifted when I lost Lily, there's always going to be a part of me missing. So maybe I wont be the same Me I was before, but maybe I can try to be an even better person, an even better girlfriend, daughter, friend, sister.. I can heal and help others heal too. I can continue to build my relationship with Cary and our life together.

I dont want to constantly wish my life were different, I want to do something about it and make it better. I dont want to constantly ache for everything I dont have, I want to appreciate what I do have & cherish it. I want to realize what I can do for myself! I want to be proud of myself and my accomplishments!

I want to be whole again.. or as close to it as possible.

Lost

I want today to be over. My mind is racing with not so distant memories of preparing for our little girl, my pregnancy, the day we found out Lily was gone, her delivery..

Grief continues to come in waves, crashing into my heart.. somedays I feel like maybe I'll be okay, days like today - I feel like giving up..

I feel so lost. And just.. broken.

2011

Well it's now 2011. We didn't do much for new years eve this time around - went for dinner with my parents then to a friends for a couple drinks. Nothing exciting, nothing to be happy & celebrate about. I hate 2010, it was honestly the worst year of my life. I spent the majority of the year from Feb to Nov miserable & pregnant, (nauseated, in pain, etc) all the while telling myself "Just 5 more months, just 4 more months, just 3 more months and it'll all be over, I'll have my baby and my life will be perfect." Little did I know, that would never happen.

After Lily died and we went threw what we did.. 2010 would have also been know as the year I offed myself.. luckily Cary was there to help me, pick me up and remind me that even in the face of a tragedy and such pain - there's still hope, our lives arent over, we just need to be strong. His love is the only thing that gets me threw my days, that and yoga, and meditation..

Speaking of which - since it's a new year, we figured we'd make some changes in our lives. We're not much for "New Years Resolutions" but we think it's about time to get our lives back and get healthy. Cary has gone back to judo, I've taken up yoga and meditation again, I'm trying to hit the gym as much as I can (as much as my gibbled foot will allow), we've quit smoking AGAIN (I should never have started again! Fuck me, I hate quitting smoking! UGH). Cary is doing quite well with quitting smoking, I'm struggling a bit. And I'm cooking again, good healthy meals. I used to love cooking, I still do, but for a long time I couldnt be bothered with it, so thats where some of the weight gain came in (not to mention the 20lbs of baby weight haunting me).

I really hope we can keep up this lifestyle once again. It's so easy to fall back into bad habits. I want my life back, I want to move forward, loose this weight, stop smoking and then maybe think about, maybe loosing the condoms and seeing what happens. Okay, I'm not talking about RIGHT NOW but in the future.. sometime. I want so badly to have the life that was so cruely taken from me, that I see so many people living. I'll never want to "replace" Lily but to make her a big sister. She'll always be my first born, my sweet baby Lily, I just want a family so bad, so badly it makes my heart ache. I want to be a mom...

I am the face of loss.

Things arent so great between Cary and I right now & I dont know what to do. We were arguing all day over nothing, so we ended up spending the day apart. Well, actually he left with out telling me and then texted me 4 hours later saying he was gone for the day/night. I was pretty upset, I wanted to apologize and he just left. That hurt quite a bit..

A couple hours later, I got an email from a random person telling me they were sorry about Lily. Then another and another. Finally I figured it out - my story had been posted on http://www.facesofloss.com/. So I went to the website and there I was "I am the face of fullterm stillbirth". I, of course re-read what I had wrote (my first blog entry that I'd copied and pasted) and I broke down. I cried for hours, wishing and hoping Cary would come home. He never did..

A bit later, I decided that I would finally put pictures in a frame that I'd had for a while. I had planned on using that frame for family pictures - so that's what I did. I found a nice picture of Cary and I, a picture of a lily.. and Lily's first ultrasound picture. I put them in the frame, all in black and white since the ultrasound picture was of course black and white. It looked nice. I couldn't wait to hang it. After I did that, I felt better. I felt like now I'd always be able to look at my sweet baby just how I'd want to remember her - alive.

I ended up going to walmart for a couple hours looking for a new comforter for my bed and one for my niece. I had left the picture on our dresser because I didn't know where to hang it yet. I was also hoping Cary would come home and see the picture. I figured he would like it, I figured he would feel the same way I did about it. I was wrong..

When I got home, he was in the TV room so I went to talk to him. He wouldnt even look at me. He said what I'd done was totally not apropriate and if I wanted to see Lily everyday that I should take that picture out and replace it with one that nurses took after she was born because she isn't alive, shes dead - she was dead before she was even born so those pictures dont matter anymore (ultrasound pictures). He knows I would never do that so I took that as him just trying to be hurtful. I couldn't believe what he'd said to me so I just left the room without saying anything. I came back after I collected my thoughts and all I could muster up was that what he'd said was horrible and I was very, very hurt and that also I wouldnt be coming to lunch tomorrow with his mom and I would find my own way to my doctors appointment (6 wk postpartum). I havent said a word to him since & to be honest I dont want to, I dont want to apologize for framing that picture and I dont want to take it out. I could care less about our fighting earlier today, I've long since forgiven and forgotten about that but what he said to me was so hurtful..

I dont want to forget about her & I dont want anyone else to either. She was MY DAUGHTER whether she was alive or dead when she was born. She was mine. I carried her for 9 months, I felt her kick me in the ribs and thats all the time I got with her and I'm going to cherish it and I'm going to remember it, always.

She was also Cary's daughter. I dont know if this is just his way of coping - trying to forget. Forget she even exsisted. That's exactly what it seems like and that hurts me so badly.

I dont know what to do. Am I wrong? Am I wrong to want ONE picture of my daughter around? ONE picture where she was still alive, how I so badly want to remember her?

Christmas.

I cant stop thinking about how this christmas COULD have been, what we'd be doing, the sweet little christmas outfits I'd be dressing Lily in, taking her to see the family..

It's heartbreaking thinking about what could have been and knowing the best christmas of my life will now be the worst.

Maybe because it's the holidays, it's harder - it hurts more.. maybe after new years.. it'll get easier? Maybe I won't break down as much as I do? Probably not, but I can hope. I know this pain will never leave me but I'm praying that it gets easier to live with.

I think maybe I should start packing up the nursery. I go in there too much. I hate seeing all of her stuff unused but I havent had the heart to pack it all up & I havent allowed anyone else to touch or move anything. It's the little piece of her I have left. Even though it hurts so bad to see it all, I still go in there almost everyday..

I really am a masocist.

Maybe it will help to not have this stuff in the house?

It's been over a month and I havent been able to even let myself think of packing anything up, or not thinking of that as HER room. I feel like if her stuff gets put away, we'll start to forget about her. I feel stupid even saying that, I will NEVER forget about her, she is my daughter, my first born & she'll always be apart of me..

I feel guilty wanting to put her stuff away but maybe it will be easier to live without her if I dont have to see her unused crib everyday....

Fat.

I was just browsing facebook like I usually do around this time and what came up randomly? Me. 32 weeks pregnant. It hurts to see myself like that sometimes. I miss looking down and seeing my baby belly and NOW? Im just fat. The fact that now I'm stuck with this huge gut and I dont have my little girl to lighten the blow makes me really angry. I knew my body wouldnt be the same anymore (but really, I wouldn't care as much as I do now if she were here with me) and maybe I'm just being selfish and vain and just a horrible person to even think about my weight and body image right now but it just makes me that much more bitter not having her here & looking like this. I'm fucking going to shapes tomorrow.

Shapes.

Today after I was finished writing Lily's story I decided I'd finally get my ass down to Shapes. Cary had told me to take his bankcard and go down there and sign up for 3 months and we'll see how that goes and likely get another 3-6 months after that. So I did and I'm so glad I did. I'm really excited to start working out and get back into shape. I have a long way to go but I also have alot of time on my hands since we've decided I won't be returning to work too soon..

..but as I was telling the chick at shapes my goals and what I want to get my weight down to, I mentioned that I had just dropped 25 lbs and I instantly wished I hadn't because she asked me "How?". I sure as hell didn't want to tell a perfect stranger that I had just given birth and that was just over half my baby weight. If I had told her, I'm sure I would have gotten a million questions about my baby. So I lied. I said I'd been working out at home for the past 2 months. Is this what my life is going to come to now? Lying? Avoiding the topic with ever fiber of my being? I should be beaming and telling people all about my little girl but I'm putting all of my energy into avoiding that topic and lying about not only where the extra 25lbs (40lbs in total of baby weight) went, but my life for the past 9 months - like it never even happend, why I havent been working for the past 3 months and so on.

I hate lying. I dont know about other mothers who've lost their children but it's not something I can openly share with people I dont know (unless they've gone threw what I have).. it was hard enough to share it with people I do know. I guess that's my right though, I don't have to share what happend with ANYONE if I dont want to but having to lie about my life for the past (almost) year is frustrating.

L is for Lily

I've decided that maybe it's time to write about and share my grief, anger, sadness and everything else I've been feeling since loosing my sweet baby Lily. I've been told it helps - it helps to share your story.. so far I don't believe that but I couldn't feel much worse so I guess I'll give it a try. This post is about what happend my last couple days of pregnancy, my labour & delivery and the aftermath...

Friday, Novemeber 12th I was as happy as can be but I was one week and 2 days past my due date. The past couple of days I had been having a bit of cramping and light spotting, which I was told my likley my "bloody show". I was a bit freaked out and didn't know what "normal" was but when I called Labour and Delivery at the HSC, they said to wait it out and come in when either my water breaks or my contractions start. I was so increadibly anxious for my sweet little girl to be here and come home with us but she wasn't quite ready, I suppose. So we waited and that day I was scheduled for a routine ultrasound because I was a week late and they wanted to check on her and talk about being induced.

So that morning, I woke up as usual - showered, had a cup of coffee and got ready. Cary had already started his new job so he was at work like usual until 2pm. I didn't mind this, I was pretty used to going to doctors appointments myself or with my mum so I texted him and I told him I'd call him later and let him know what's going on.

Around 10am, my dad, mum and I finally left for the hospital. (It didn't dawn on me until later but I hadn't felt Lily move much or at all since last night. It wasn't that uncommon, as she was most active in the late afternoon, evening and all night long (while I'm trying to sleep of course). I wish I could remember the last time I felt her, knowing what I know now, knowing that would be the last time I'd ever feel her bouncing around inside of me.) We got to the hospital a bit early so my mum and I went in and waited. My dad told us he'd be back in about 45 mins to pick us up because he wouldnt have been able to come in anyway, I was only allowed one person to acompany me, for whatever reason. So we went in, waited about 15 mins and were taken to the ultrasound room for what we thought would be a normal ultrasound where we'd get to see my little girl once more by ultrasound before she was born...

By this time in my pregnancy - 41 weeks and 1 day, I was rather huge and uncomfortable looking. My nurse commented on this but said as uncomfortable as I was, I looked exstatic and absolutely glowing. I was. I was so happy I could barely contain myself. I was going to be a mother, I was going to have the most beautiful child in the world, I was going to be taking her home in just a few short days, or so I thought..

So the ultrasound started, nobody said much, they took measurements and the nurse kept going over the same spot over and over. I had no idea why. She called in the doctor to take a look, I was getting nervous. Another 10 minutes or so went by and noone had said anything. I was scared. The doctor looked at me and asked when the last time I felt Lily move, I stammered and before I could say anything she told me she could not find Lily's heartbeat, I swear MY heart nearly stopped when I heard those words. I thought I was dreaming, I thought I would wake up any second screaming.. I didn't wake up, it wasn't a dream. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. I could hear them telling me how sorry they were and my mother screaming and crying and telling them to check again. They didn't need to, they had already spent the last half an hour searching for it. She was gone..

When I was finally able to speak again, the only thing I said was "Call Cary." and I started bawling.

I could not stop crying, I couldn't form a proper sentance, I could barely move. I was paralyzed with grief, in complete shock. At some point after my mum called Cary she'd called my dad and he was there right away. He ran in and hugged me and started crying with me. I'd never seen my dad cry until that moment. They told us that there was a room just next door where we could go and stay as long as we needed, be together and to wait for Cary. They said the doctor would be back in a bit to talk to us about what we needed to do. I heard all of this but I still couldn't speak or walk. My dad pretty much carried me into the next room. Where I sat for the next while in complete agony waiting for Cary, waiting for the father of my dead baby. I needed him so much but I wished he didn't have to go threw this pain - the last thing I wanted was for him to hurt but I knew that was now inevidable.

My mum, dad and I sat there for I'm not sure how long waiting for Cary. I still didn't say a word, my mum was crying and so was my dad. I was completely silent and I must have looked like I was about to snap because they kept asking if I was okay. Of course I wasn't, I'd just gotten the worse news anyone could ever get. I had stopped crying but I felt like I was dying inside. I still couldn't speak. My mum left briefly to go downstairs and see how long Cary would be. I was sitting with my dad and I looked at him and asked him "Why? Why did she die?.." My dad came over to me and he held me while I started to wail again. My mum came back and told us Cary would be here soon and his mom was with him. I guess he'd called her and she wanted to be with us aswell. I asked my parents if I could be alone, they said okay and left. I sat there and held my belly and cried. I'd never felt so much pain in my life, not physically but emotionally. I had just lost my little girl, she was never coming home with us, she'd never get to wear all the pretty clothes we'd bought for her or use her bassinet. She was gone.

A while later, I was still alone and I seen the door open - It was Cary. His face was bright red and tears were streaming down his face, he ran to me and held me and didn't let go for the next couple hours. I kept telling him how sorry I was, thinking this was my fault. He just looked at me and said "Don't ever think this YOUR fault, it isn't. You love Lily with all your heart. This isn't your fault." I still felt like it WAS my fault. I was supposed to carry her and keep her safe until she was ready to come out, I felt like I'd fail as a mother. I was completely heartbroken.

After a while alone, everyone came back in along with the doctor. Cary's mom came to me and hugged me tight and said she loved me and she was so sorry. I told her that I loved her aswell and thank you for coming with Cary. I was so scared of him coming alone and driving too fast to get to us and something horrible happening but she was there to comfort him and I was happy about that. The doctor sat with us for a while and talked. She told us she couldn't give us a reason for what happened, everything looked fine and we could opt for a autopsy after the delivery. I sat there shocked.. "Delivery?" I said. "You expect me to deliver my dead baby?" "I want a c-section." She then explained to us that unless there was a medical reason for it she couldn't ethically allow me to have a c-section because it is a major surgery and if in the future I wanted to get pregnant again I likely could never have a natural delivery. So that was that. I was going to deliver Lily. Right then I knew what I had to do, I had to be strong and just get threw this and after I could fall to pieces again. I asked when I could be induced they said ASAP and to just go home and get some sleep and they would call as soon as a private room was available. So we left, my mom and dad together and Cary, his mom and myself in our car.

We got home Freda still with us, my parents still about 10 mins away. I ripped apart my hospital bag which had been packed for weeks now. I removed all of the baby stuff and asked Cary to put it somewhere where I wouldn't see it. After my parents got home, Cary made some coffee for everyone and we sat down and decided what we were going to do. Freda would take our car home, Cary and I would sleep for a bit and she'd come get us when it was time. So we all parted ways and Cary and I headed downstairs but before I could my mum said to wait and her and Cary went downstairs. They told me to come down after a couple of minutes and I realized why. The bassinet was no longer in our room, they'd moved it out so I wouldnt have the constant reminder that she would never use it.. like I could ever forget. My mum kissed me on the forhead and left. I started to get changed into my PJ's, just as I was pulling on my pants.. my water broke....

I started to cry and ran to the bathroom, I knew it was time. We called L&D and they said I could wait til my contractions start or just come in. We decided to go and have them start my contractions with pitocin. I didn't want to wait, I wanted this to be over as soon as possible. From the time Freda left and my water broke it couldn't have been more then 15 mins so we called and she turned around and was there with in 10 mins. Cary got our hospital bag, which no longer contained our little girls clothes.. we wouldn't need them... and we left.

When we got to the car, I noticed the car seat was gone. I don't know when they or even who had taken it out but I was glad, it was horrible enough having to leave the hospital without her, I didn't want to see her empty carseat.

We headed to the hospital, my parents following us. We got there and was told I would have to go to admitting. They asked why I was there.. I didn't know what to say. I just said "I'm in labour" and started crying. They looked confused. I gave them my information and I think they finally realized why I was crying. We went upstairs and were put into a private room and were introduced to the nurses that would be there and then my doctor came in. They said they were insert some sort of gel to help my contraction to start.

Now, I'm sure you've heard of women being in labour for 2-3 days and think "Yeah right!" Well, I was close. I was in labour for 36 hours. 18 of which were without an epidural. I couldn't sleep, I could barely eat. It was nothing but pain. I was in pain but Cary was amazing, he never left my side, he was next to me helping me breath threw the contractions the entire time. He was there to keep me company and to keep me sane. Always telling me how good I was doing. I had nothing but back labour and I don't know how I even made it to 18 hours without drugs. Maybe it was because I had Cary there supporting me and knowing that if I took the epidural too soon, it might just stop my labour and I'd end up with a csection anyway. I think I just knew I had to get threw it, I had a job to do and I guess some sort of maternal instincts kicked in...

We had visitors every now and then, my parents, Freda, John (Cary's dad) but mostly it was just Cary and I, and I perfered it that way. I didn't want anyone else there to see me in such pain. I think because of the news we'd just gotten this experience was so personal to us, too private, too much pain to have anyone else see. We cried, we held eachother, we talked about Lily - she was still our daughter, she was still the mos important thing in the world to us. Going threw this awful experience with Cary just made how we feel about eachother all the more clear. I love him with all my heart and couldnt imagine spending my life with anyone else and we love Lily, the pain of loosing her is indescribable but feeling that much pain can only mean there was an unbelieveable amount of love aswell..

About 16 hours into my labour, Cary was trying to get a bit of sleep but my contractions were getting so painful I couldn't sleep and I would scream, moan and try to breath threw each waking Cary up. So we called in the nurse and I asked for morphine. They gave me one dose, I felt a huge wave of fuzziness. Hoping it would also take care of the pain of the contractions, I relaxed a bit. As my next one was starting I tensed up again, nothing was numbed, I could still feel everything, but I was so high I didn't care. I was finally able to sleep for a short while inbetween each contraction. I could still feel them, but I have to admit they weren't AS bad but still painful. I got one more dose before my epidural. I didn't feel the same fuzziness I could still feel everything. Then we realized my IV was pulled, they unplugged it and all I felt was a huge JOLT of fluid shooting into my hand and there was the fuzziness again...

After that dose of morphine wore off I was in so much pain, I couldnt handle it anymore.. I wanted the epidural and I wanted it now. At some point the anesthesiologist had come in before and explained our options, and told us they were testing me for somesort of blood clotting disorder (or something like that) and if I had it I would be unable to receive it. They hadnt come in to tell me the results yet, so I was praying I could have it. I dont know how I could have dealt with the pain otherwise. Luckily, everything was fine and I could get the epidural. Thank you Jesus. I could barely sit still, I was writhing in such pain Cary had to hold me still. They epi was nothing compared to what I was feeling, I couldn't believe anyone would complain about that TINY little needle prick and pressure. Just seems crazy to me..

After that, I felt alot better. I was numb but could still move a bit (they called it a "walking epidural"). I had a little button that I could press if it started to wear off, I could press it every 10 minutes if I needed it. The first serveral hours I only pressed it maybe once an hour or so. Towards the end of the 36 hours, I was pressing the button as often as I could. I still remember feeling the cool sensation down my back (the fentanyl going down the tube being injected into the epidural space), it was such a comforting feeling. By then I couldn't move at all, I was completely numb, I had to have Cary and the nurse lift my legs and help me shift my weight because I was laying down for so long I was getting pretty uncomfortable.

After about 35 hours, around 5pm on saturday the epidural completely stopped working. They had been checking me periodically to see how far I was dialted. 2cm, 3cm and so on. I think I stopped at 6cm and nothning happened for a while. I was so scared I'd gotten the epi too soon and it was stopping my labour, especially because I could not feel my contractions. Once it stopped working, I felt this HORRIBLE pressure very low down. I called the nurse and told her to check me. I was ready, I was 10 cm and ready to deliver Lily. Even though I'd spent the last 35 hours in labour, preparing for what I had to do.. I started to cry and said I wasn't ready. I didn't have a choice, I had to do this now..

Now the next part gets a bit graphic, I apoligize if it sicks anyone out but this is what happened.

I got into position with Cary by my side like he'd been for the last 2 days and the nurse on the other side. I started pushing, I dont think I was doing a very good job, I kept stopping too soon. I was so exausted. But both the nurse and Cary were there helping me every step of the way. They knew it would take a while so after I'd been pushing for a while my doctor came in. Now this is a doctor I'd never been too fond of but honestly I've never been so happy to see him in my life (he was actually very helpful and sensative, I was greatful I hadnt changed drs). I was still pushing and I felt like I wasnt making much progress but thats when Cary said he could see her head. One more push and her head was out. It was *a bit* of relief but thats when the dr told me her shoulders were stuck. I pushed and pushed and pushed, she would not come out. This was the most horrible pain I'd ever felt and that is INCLUDING my labour. I was screaming "GET HER OUT OF ME! NOW!".. I couldn't push anymore, I was screaming so loud in pain - my mumr ran in. I seen her, and felt a little bit at ease but I couldn't let her see me like this, in so much pain. I didn't think she could handle it. I told her to get out and that I was sorry. She left and I heard her and Freda crying in the hallway. I felt guilty as I knew she just wanted to help me but I couldn't let her..

Finally the doctor told me to stop and that he was going to try and pull her out. I nearly kicked him in the face, I couldnt believe he was trying to do this while I could feel everything. I started screaming again and told him to stop. The anesthesiologist came in after about 5 mins and injected my epi iv and my regular iv with copius amounts of drugs. I could no longer feel anything except the cold cloth Cary had put over my eyes. I was barely concious. And then I heard them say she was out and asked if I wanted to see her. I said no. Cary seen her and told me she was beautiful and he started to cry..

Our little girl was born at 6:01pm Saturday, November 13th.

The next couple hours I was still so high from whatever they injected me with I could barely talk and I couldn't move. All I did was sob. Cary wiped my face off and tried to brush my hair because I knew I looked hidious. Finally my parents, Freda and John (Who I didnt even realize was there. Turns out he was downstairs with my dad because my dad couldn't handle hearing me scream like I was) came in. My mum asked me if I wanted to see her, she had just gone to see her with Freda and told me she looked just like me. I knew I had to see her..

They brought her in. She was dressed in a pretty little onsie, that was much to big for her, a white hat and a pink blanket. She was beautiful, more beautiful then anything I'd ever seen. She did look just like me. She had my lips, cupids bow and all. My nose. I took her out of the blanket, I had to see all of her. She was perfect. She had Carys feet - long and skinny. Cary's ears. She was just like both of us. We had really made the most perfect child in the world. I rocked her and talked to her. Kissed her. I didn't ever want to let her go but I knew I had to. I knew even though I had just gone threw all that, she was gone and we couldn't take her home. My heart broke again, over and over, into a million pieces. This is the best I can describe what I was feeling but really I could never put into words what it really felt like to have to let her go.

The nurses took her and did all of the measurements they would normally do. She was 7lbs 13 oz, 21.5 inches long. They said from the looks of the placenta and cord, everything looked ok but that was just speculation. They would have to do an autopsy to be sure and we are still waiting to hear what the results are..

Threw out the next few hours, we had some dinner, talked and eventually my brother showed up. I had asked him to wait until everything was finished to come down and also that I didn't want anyone else there. When he got there, of course he had told me he was sorry and held me while I cried, just like I'd done with everyone else. I felt this was getting a bit redundant, I guess and I was sick of thinking about what had just happened. I was finally able to walk again so him, cary, my dad and mum and myself went downstairs to walk around. I had been in bed for close to 2 days and I needed to move.

Once we got back upstairs, a spiritual adviser, clergy, priest - something, I dont know what he was but he was able to bless and baptise Lily came in, he gave us his condolences and asked if I wanted to bring her back in and start the baptisim. I said yes, it seemed like a good time, everyone was there. All my family. She was brought back in and she was blessed and baptised as a Christian. They gave us a baptisim certificate and a candle. Eventually they left and Cary and I kept her with us for a while to say good-bye. We kissed her and told her how much we loved her and then she was gone. I would never see her sweet little face ever again..

Cary and I stayed at the hospital one more night just to make sure I was doing okay. I couldn't sleep much so I just watched TV, avoiding any show that might have children in it, which was difficult. I ended up watching Jackass and then the weather channel til I finally fell asleep. My nurse came in in the middle of the night to check on me and to give me the keepsakes they had put together for me. Her onsie, her little hat, the blanket she was wrapped in, her hand & foot prints and finally pictures of her. I said thank you and she left. I couldn't believe she gave me pictures of her, I was scared to look at them, I didnt know how she'd look. I put the box on the table and tried to go back to sleep. A couple hours later about 5am I woke up and knew I had to look at the pictures. So I opened the box and looked at everything and finally the pictures at the bottom of the box. I let out a wimper and started crying, as soon as Cary heard me he was awake and by my side asking me what was wrong and what I was looking at. I showed him and we cried. We promised eachother we wouldn't look at the pictures again unless we were together.

We didn't sleep anymore after that. Finally after my check up at 8am we were able to leave. I cleaned up the room and got our stuff together. I thanked the nurses (Who I have say were amazing and such a huge help, I'm forever thankful for their kindness), Cary brought our stuff downstairs, Lilys box and finally came up to get me. I was so indifferent about leaving, I wanted so badly to go home but I knew it wouldn't be the same with out Lily. We went downstairs, Cary had pulled the car around, and I got in. I looked in the backseat - Cary had put our keepsakes where Lily's carseat was. I lost it. I knew then that everything that had just happend WAS real and we were never bringing her home. Half way home I stopped crying and felt completely numb..

The next couple weeks at home are a blur. I pretty quickly turned to alcohol to help with the pain. It didn't help and I know nothing ever will. But that first week I drank and drank, I drank so I could sleep a dreamless sleep, I drank so I wouldn't constantly think about what I'd just gone threw. I know now that was the worst thing I could possibly do but thats what I did. I wouldn't leave the house, I turned my phone off and I just pushed everyone away. Finally Cary snapped me out of it, he picked me up and gave me some sort of hope again. I knew he loved me and I knew everyone else did aswell. I didn't have my little girl but I had/ve alot of people who love me, no one will ever replace her but knowing that I'm loved and cared for was a comfort and I finally was able to reach back out to those who reached out to me..

I know I'll never be whole again, when Lily died a piece of me died too. I miss her everyday. But I know she knew we loved her and she's watching over us now. Until we get to be with her again, she'll be our little angel. Hopefully someday I'll be able to see another baby and not cry, and maybe someday we'll be able to make Lily a big sister but the pain of loosing her will never leave us. I think about her everyday and I'll never forget her..

Rest in Peace my sweet baby Lily. Mommy & Daddy will always love you.