Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Night time.

Each passing night this week I've laid in bed, awake, staring at the darkness around me, wishing my life was different. Wondering WHY? Why am I where I am right now? Why did she die? Why did this happen to us? Why can't I just feel NORMAL again?

Each night, it gets later and later, I'm consumed by my own thoughts, obsessing, replaying senarios, memories - good and bad and then it's nearly 4am..

I miss my life when everything made sense, I knew where my life was headed, not the particulars but I knew the direction I was headed in and now.. now I just dont know. I'm lost, my emotions go in so many different directions each day - it's hard to keep up and it's exausting.

The mixture of Celexa & Clomazapam calms me down and on the outside I probably seem okay but I still have the thoughts I did before the medication came into the picture - I just dont cry about it anymore and it shows less and less on my face. I still feel hopeless and lost but at least nobody has to listen to me cry about it. Now I'm just stuck in my head with all my thoughts.

I'm calm on the outside, but the racing thoughts in my head around enough to make me go crazy at times.

It's 2am now. My hope is that getting this out of my head will give me some relief to my anxiety and I can get a good nights sleep.