Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Night time.

Each passing night this week I've laid in bed, awake, staring at the darkness around me, wishing my life was different. Wondering WHY? Why am I where I am right now? Why did she die? Why did this happen to us? Why can't I just feel NORMAL again?

Each night, it gets later and later, I'm consumed by my own thoughts, obsessing, replaying senarios, memories - good and bad and then it's nearly 4am..

I miss my life when everything made sense, I knew where my life was headed, not the particulars but I knew the direction I was headed in and now.. now I just dont know. I'm lost, my emotions go in so many different directions each day - it's hard to keep up and it's exausting.

The mixture of Celexa & Clomazapam calms me down and on the outside I probably seem okay but I still have the thoughts I did before the medication came into the picture - I just dont cry about it anymore and it shows less and less on my face. I still feel hopeless and lost but at least nobody has to listen to me cry about it. Now I'm just stuck in my head with all my thoughts.

I'm calm on the outside, but the racing thoughts in my head around enough to make me go crazy at times.

It's 2am now. My hope is that getting this out of my head will give me some relief to my anxiety and I can get a good nights sleep.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

9 months

9 months has passed since I kissed your sweet face for the first and last time, held you in my arms and then had to say good-bye. 9 months has passed and not a day goes by that I dont think of you. I think of where we'd be right now, what you'd be doing, how beautiful you are, and how much it hurts that I get to experience none of it. I miss you my baby Lily, more then I've ever missed anyone in my life. Our time together is all I have, the time you spent inside of me, kicking, hiccuping and me knowing I was never alone because you were with me..

You're still with me, I know. You always will be. <3

Thursday, July 7, 2011

This is my life..

Life goes on, and as it does grief becomes easier to handle but memories never fade, whether they are good or bad. But even though the grief becomes easier to deal with, it's still there - just not at the surface anymore. I can smile, when something good happens - I'm happy. I try to laugh, to love and to live. But a part of me is still so damaged I cry myself to see some nights, wishing, aching, wanting so badly to have you in my arms. Lately, my bad days are.. awful. Sometimes it feels like my bad days (weeks?) out weigh the good ones and I know it pains everyone around me to see me laying in bed all day - sad, hurt and feeling utterly hopeless. Cary tries so hard to help me, but in those dark times I want to be alone, I'd rather no one see me like that.

I havent writen here in a really long time. Life seems to be standing still in a dark cloud of anxiety, depression and low self esteem most of the time. No one wants to hear about that, but thats my life. I do still have good things in my life but I'm not working, not doing anything to better myself, over eating, over sleeping, binge drinking once again. My medication helped for a while but doesnt seem to be doing anything anymore so we upped the dose, guess we'll see what happens. Most of the time, I may seem happy enough, but if you knew how I really felt inside you'd wonder how I even got up in the morning, and honestly alot of times I dont or it's a horrible struggle.

Even though I feel like this, I want to try, to try and be happy again, my old self or something close to it. Starting monday, it's all about work, exercise, weight watchers and NO drinking.

Wish me luck and hopefully my next post wont reak of heartache.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


After today, I dont think my views on medication are quite the same as I once thought. I was a firm believer in exercise, good diet, meditation, relaxing - I felt that was the only thing I needed for anxiety and panic attacks. Today, I realized none of that is going to help, not to the point that I need it too. I hate taking medication, I hate it. After today, I'll be thankful for it.

Last night, a bad mood turned into rage then to crying, panic, self-loathing, desperation for my daughter, more guilt then I ever thought I could feel, longing.. I woke up this morning in a haze, constantly on the verge of tears. I got threw school, did what I needed to & left for work. The elevator was broken so I took the stairs. I went up two flights to our office and then decided to go back down for a smoke before I started. I came down the first flight and about 1/4 way down the next and I got the horribly firmilar feeling - tight chest, hard to breath, sweating, vertigo, shaky. These are feelings I know all too well and even so it completely caught me off gaurd. I panicked & I fell. I have a nice bruise on the side of my face, my knee is fucked and my arm is all scraped up.

I never thought panic attacks and anxiety would or could effect my daily life so much, I thought I could control it. I was wrong. I swore I wouldnt take Celexa again and I still wont, but I cant live like this.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


I havent posted here in a while. I havent had time, energy - mentally or physically or the drive to really sit down and let it all out. I've been working, going to school, taking care of things at home, trying to keep myself active (sometimes) but mostly I've been pushing every bit of grief, sadness & pain away. Far, far away. I've been trying so hard to ignore it, keep it out of my head and relish in the love and happiness I still have in my life. I still havent put Lily's stuff away, I havent stepped foot in there in probably a month, maybe more. I feel a great amount of guilt, deep down - I dont let that escape the depths of my mind very often either. It hurts too much to think, I'm the reason Lily isnt here, I did something wrong. That is what I think regardless of whether it's the truth or not. It hurts too much, so I just dont think about it anymore. I feel guilty for not going in her room, for not spending the time to put her things away, folding them neatly and putting them in a box, just as I did putting her stuff in her dresser after we'd spent months buying all of it. I feel guilty, but I dont think about it. I rarely talk about her.

I feel like I'm not healing, but I'm just pushing it all away. Keeping it all away from the surface so no one will notice, so even I dont notice how heartbroken I am.

Cary and I are closer than ever, even with our crazy schedules. He makes me happy, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel loved and wanted. He's maybe the only person in my life that truly knows how I am feeling, because even with this charade I put on, no matter how far away I push my pain. He always sees threw me. He's the only one who sees me when I break down. Which may not happen often but when it does, it's an intense wave of emotion that knocks me down and sometimes I cant get up for hours.

I fill my days with work & school, I keep myself busy and when I come home, I spend as much time with Cary as I can even if it's just laying in bed in his arms. He makes me feel safe and just when I feel myself beginning to think about my guilt, my pain - he makes my heart whole again, as whole as it'll ever be after loosing Lily. When I do break down he's there to hold me, but it's different then every other day. There's an intensity, there's strength I've never felt before, sort of like he's holding me together when I cant do it for myself.

Last week, I had my IUD put in. I dont know how I feel about this. I'm still a mother, a mother with empty arms. A mother with no child present but a mother none the less. That part of me thinks on a daily basis that I should be going to the clinic and having it removed. I want a baby. I want a family. I know Cary does too.

On the other hand, the broken hearted mother, the mother with no child present who feels an unbareable amount of guilt thinks maybe, maybe it's Lily I want. Not another baby. That part of me thinks having the IUD put in was a smart move and until I can come to terms with the loss of Lily and have the strength and love to welcome another child into the world and not long for it to be Lily, the IUD stays.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


I've been having a pretty hard time lately, inside. On the outside, well lets just say I put on a pretty good charade. Things with Cary and I are on the rocks which makes things much worse for me. Besides that, I'm so upset there are barely any support groups here & nothing linking winnipeg to I want to change that. I'm nothing special and why the hell would anyone listen to me, but I need to try. I found a template on for a letter to the press and I'm revamping it as we speak.

I've spent so long in the dark, crying, blogging, but never doing anything. Maybe, there are more women who are going threw the same thing here, maybe someone just down the street, maybe not but I have no idea! No idea, but if IM 1 in 4 - there has to be more of us around here.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Thank you

Thank you. Thank you to all ladies who've reached out to me in my time of need. You know how I feel and you've showed me that I will be okay. <3 When I tried to push my feelings away, you showed me it's okay to let them out. We're connected in a way most people will never understand - we share grief, pain, strength and most of all love. I can never express fully how greatful I am for what I've learned from all of you.

Monday, February 14, 2011

3 months

Yesterday, the day before valentines day Cary & my parents suprised with me flowers & a stuffed kitty that looks like my Fella (cuz they know how much I love my little man, best kitty in the world<3). They gave me beautiful yellow lily's - it wasnt for Valentines day, it was a sweet gesture to let me know they think about my sweet baby Lily aswell. Sometimes, it seems like I'm the only one who still feels the pain of loosing her, but thats not true. Im not alone in my grief. Yesterday, Lily would have been 3 months old. If I could have anything in the world right now, it'd just to be able to hold her and tell her how I love her, god I love her so much. Some people say you cant miss someone you never met, but I miss her so much..

I really cant believe its been 3 months already - it's gone by so fast. Daily life has a new normal, not what I thought it'd be like but I can handle it and I'm doing okay.

On a happier note, Cary and I had our Valentines day on the weekend, it was filled with homemade truffles (courtesy of moi), sappy cards, wine, horror movies and cuddles. I'm one lucky girl to have this man in my life.

I'm so happy Ive found someone who's not perfect but so perfect for me, gives me hope and gives me strength and is the love of my life. I dont know what'd do with out him - especially in times like these.

Monday, February 7, 2011


 I've been thinking alot about the nursery lately - I wish I had put away Lily's stuff along time ago. It's been almost 4 months since we lost her & all of the times I've gone in her room, intending on trying to put things away, I've ended up curled up in the fetal position bawling my eyes out. Now, I feel like I wont be able to move forward with my life until that room is boxed up. We sleep right next door to her room and as soon as I go to bed and I think about her stuff just sitting in that room, untouch, unused - it breaks my heart over and over. I've even gone as far as sleeping upstairs sometimes.

I feel guilty for just leaving it there also, all this time and I've just left it sitting there. I wish I had just made myself do it much earlier. Maybe, it's a good thing I didnt push myself to do it so early on? Maybe I should have just done it? I dont know, but now I have to do it and it's either going to make me hurt even more or make me stronger..

I'll keep you posted on that one. I dont want to hurt anymore so I'm hoping the end result is the latter.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


I've been having panic attacks again. I litteraly feel like I'm dying and it's extremely unpleasant. They've been becoming less frequent when I exercise regularly though, so I guess I'm hitting two birds with one stone there - get in shape, loose the baby weight plus some and I dont have panic attacks as often. I've never had them this often though, and I'd really, really like to be med free but I guess I'll have to check in with my Dr to see if I should be.

Other then that, I've been feeling.. okay. I'm more open to talking about Lily and making her exsistance more real to others, and myself I guess. Sometimes, I feel like I was just pregnant for 9 months and then.. nothing, life just went back to the way it was. But that's just not true. She was alive, I felt her, she was real. & life is definitely not the same as it was, but sometimes it feels that way. Then I get a kick in the face from reality & I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like that sometimes? Perhaps it's my subconcious way of coping? I dont know..

Anywho, couple good things happening in my life.. school - I start tuesday. Hoooray. Excited! Also applying at the university for a cashier position at the book store there, only part time buut it's $18/hr.. so CHA-CHING but very little work. lol. Also, I'll be workin with Cary, well in the same university but the university is a little city in itself lol So maybe we can have lunch together? :P So that's pretty exciting aswell. I'm pretty much done not working and being on unemployment. I'm a very self sufficient person but somehow I've lost my independance and it feels awful.

Oh, and I've been cooking again. I have been cooking up a storm! & it feels pretty great and Cary definitely appreciates it. :)

Other then that, maybe I'm a bit excited for tax time? I am in DESPERATE need of some real money and to do a few things for myself (and Cary) first off - new phones! Woohoo blackberrys! I miss my BB Curve SO much! Annd Cary's getting a torch 'cause I'm such an AWESOME girlfriend lol. Annd I'll also be signing up for weight watchers and another 6 months at the gym and the rest goes in the bank! (oor maybe a night on the town and some new clothes then the rest in the bank? lol)

I think doing a few things just for me will be a really good thing, I'm living on such limited means right now, and I'm not used to it. I need to have those days where I can just go get my nails done with MY money or buy a new top or whatever the case may be but with MY money. It's never MY money anymore, it's Carys. I pay my rent/bills but that's it, I have zero money for anything else for myself and I hate "asking" for money. It stinks. It's made me quite a bit more.. careful with money, I guess. But I'm a girl damnit - I need my nails done every once and a while lol & I used to be able to do it with out "asking". I miss that.

I miss alot of things but these are things I can change, so it's all I got.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


I've been really thinking about myself lately, what I want, what I dont want, what will make my life full and satisfying again, what will make the pain of loosing Lily easier to deal with - not what anyone else thinks is "best for me". I'm tired of being told what I should or shouldn't do, what will make me happy again, or what will make things worse. It's my life; I'm the one living it & I have to live with constant feelings of guilt and heartache. I have the right to make my own desicions, what's best for ME. My life has taken such a drastic turn.. for the worst? Yes, but now I need to pick up the pieces of what used to be my life & live it again..

My life has changed so much, so much it nearly made my head spin. In a matter of minutes my whole life changed, once again. The majority of last year I spent preparing, preparing to be a mother, preparing to be the best mother I could possibly be, and now I dont have a child to take care of, our nursery is no longer needed & everything I spent so long preparing for - just isnt here now, my whole life is different. There wasnt a doubt in the world that I wouldn't be changing diapers right now, that I wouldnt have my sweet little girl to take care of, but that's not how things turned out. It's heartbreaking, gut wrenchingly painful but I dont think trying to get pregnant again is the answer, I dont think it will help me heal anymore then I am right now, it's a slow process but I am healing; in my own way. I'm not saying it wouldnt help some, but it just isnt the answer for me.

I still want to have a family, I truely do want to be a mother.. and I am. I felt it deep down inside of me when I was pregnant with Lily. I felt her and I knew then this is what I wanted. But she isnt here, physically, I have no child to care for, but.. she'll always be with me. I'll love her until my very last breath and beyond, she'll always be my first born, my sweet little girl but maybe right now isnt the time to try again. I think if I got pregnant now.. I would drive myself isnane, I would always think there was something wrong and honestly I'd always wish it were Lily, I'd wish she were here.

I think what I need to do is something for me. I want to better myself, I want to be all I can be for when I do have a family. I want to be physically fit, mentally stable and I want to have something to show for my hard work, I want to say "I did this and I'm godamn proud of myself" not that I wouldnt feel that way raising my daughter but that just isnt going to happen.

So, what am I going to do?

Well there are many things I plan on doing, many things I plan on changing in my life but the big one is.. Im going back to school. Im finally going to do something I want to do, something that makes me happy, that Im honestly excited about. Firstly, Im going back to get my Grade 12 math and english, not so excited about that but its the first step before getting into Tourism and Hospitality Management. And Im VERY excited about that. I grew up in the restaurant business, my parents ran 2 restaurants when I was between the ages of 7 and 14 & I love it. When I do graduate and I have this degree, there are so many different things I can do, any type of management within hotels, restaurants, cruiseships and even though I'll be majoring in hospitality, I can still get into Tourism if I want to. There's alot of oppurtunity for travel, though I'm pretty positive Cary and I have decided for right now we want to stay where we are but I can still travel on my own for work and still live here. This, is really exciting to me. I havent been excited about -anything- for a really long time.

I think going back to school is going to do me a world of good, give me back my self worth, give me back my confidence, my independence, my life. I'm not me anymore & I havent been since Lily died. I want who I used to be back. I used to be fun, outgoing, social, confident, determained, a good person, a good girlfriend, daughter, friend, sister. I stopped being all those things when I thought my life was over, when I heard the words "There's no heartbeat". When my world came crashing down in front of me, I stopped being all those things, I became a shell of the woman I used to be and I want ME back. And I think this is the first big step in the right direction - to grow, to heal, to be able to do something I really love and feel that zest for life again.

Maybe in a couple years we'll be ready again, maybe even just after I graduate, maybe not. I really dont know.. but when I am, I'll know. It'll be the right time for me, for us.

I know I'll never be the same again & it's stupid to think I can just go back to being who I was, my whole life shifted when I lost Lily, there's always going to be a part of me missing. So maybe I wont be the same Me I was before, but maybe I can try to be an even better person, an even better girlfriend, daughter, friend, sister.. I can heal and help others heal too. I can continue to build my relationship with Cary and our life together.

I dont want to constantly wish my life were different, I want to do something about it and make it better. I dont want to constantly ache for everything I dont have, I want to appreciate what I do have & cherish it. I want to realize what I can do for myself! I want to be proud of myself and my accomplishments!

I want to be whole again.. or as close to it as possible.

Saturday, January 8, 2011


I want today to be over. My mind is racing with not so distant memories of preparing for our little girl, my pregnancy, the day we found out Lily was gone, her delivery..

Grief continues to come in waves, crashing into my heart.. somedays I feel like maybe I'll be okay, days like today - I feel like giving up..

I feel so lost. And just.. broken.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


Well it's now 2011. We didn't do much for new years eve this time around - went for dinner with my parents then to a friends for a couple drinks. Nothing exciting, nothing to be happy & celebrate about. I hate 2010, it was honestly the worst year of my life. I spent the majority of the year from Feb to Nov miserable & pregnant, (nauseated, in pain, etc) all the while telling myself "Just 5 more months, just 4 more months, just 3 more months and it'll all be over, I'll have my baby and my life will be perfect." Little did I know, that would never happen.

After Lily died and we went threw what we did.. 2010 would have also been know as the year I offed myself.. luckily Cary was there to help me, pick me up and remind me that even in the face of a tragedy and such pain - there's still hope, our lives arent over, we just need to be strong. His love is the only thing that gets me threw my days, that and yoga, and meditation..

Speaking of which - since it's a new year, we figured we'd make some changes in our lives. We're not much for "New Years Resolutions" but we think it's about time to get our lives back and get healthy. Cary has gone back to judo, I've taken up yoga and meditation again, I'm trying to hit the gym as much as I can (as much as my gibbled foot will allow), we've quit smoking AGAIN (I should never have started again! Fuck me, I hate quitting smoking! UGH). Cary is doing quite well with quitting smoking, I'm struggling a bit. And I'm cooking again, good healthy meals. I used to love cooking, I still do, but for a long time I couldnt be bothered with it, so thats where some of the weight gain came in (not to mention the 20lbs of baby weight haunting me).

I really hope we can keep up this lifestyle once again. It's so easy to fall back into bad habits. I want my life back, I want to move forward, loose this weight, stop smoking and then maybe think about, maybe loosing the condoms and seeing what happens. Okay, I'm not talking about RIGHT NOW but in the future.. sometime. I want so badly to have the life that was so cruely taken from me, that I see so many people living. I'll never want to "replace" Lily but to make her a big sister. She'll always be my first born, my sweet baby Lily, I just want a family so bad, so badly it makes my heart ache. I want to be a mom...