Wednesday, January 5, 2011


Well it's now 2011. We didn't do much for new years eve this time around - went for dinner with my parents then to a friends for a couple drinks. Nothing exciting, nothing to be happy & celebrate about. I hate 2010, it was honestly the worst year of my life. I spent the majority of the year from Feb to Nov miserable & pregnant, (nauseated, in pain, etc) all the while telling myself "Just 5 more months, just 4 more months, just 3 more months and it'll all be over, I'll have my baby and my life will be perfect." Little did I know, that would never happen.

After Lily died and we went threw what we did.. 2010 would have also been know as the year I offed myself.. luckily Cary was there to help me, pick me up and remind me that even in the face of a tragedy and such pain - there's still hope, our lives arent over, we just need to be strong. His love is the only thing that gets me threw my days, that and yoga, and meditation..

Speaking of which - since it's a new year, we figured we'd make some changes in our lives. We're not much for "New Years Resolutions" but we think it's about time to get our lives back and get healthy. Cary has gone back to judo, I've taken up yoga and meditation again, I'm trying to hit the gym as much as I can (as much as my gibbled foot will allow), we've quit smoking AGAIN (I should never have started again! Fuck me, I hate quitting smoking! UGH). Cary is doing quite well with quitting smoking, I'm struggling a bit. And I'm cooking again, good healthy meals. I used to love cooking, I still do, but for a long time I couldnt be bothered with it, so thats where some of the weight gain came in (not to mention the 20lbs of baby weight haunting me).

I really hope we can keep up this lifestyle once again. It's so easy to fall back into bad habits. I want my life back, I want to move forward, loose this weight, stop smoking and then maybe think about, maybe loosing the condoms and seeing what happens. Okay, I'm not talking about RIGHT NOW but in the future.. sometime. I want so badly to have the life that was so cruely taken from me, that I see so many people living. I'll never want to "replace" Lily but to make her a big sister. She'll always be my first born, my sweet baby Lily, I just want a family so bad, so badly it makes my heart ache. I want to be a mom...


  1. Yes you are a mom and you have a daughter. It took me a while to accept that fact. No physical baby to take care of, but you will take care of Lily in ways you never thought you would or could. Be gentle with yourself momma! ~Much love