I've been really thinking about myself lately, what I want, what I dont want, what will make my life full and satisfying again, what will make the pain of loosing Lily easier to deal with - not what anyone else thinks is "best for me". I'm tired of being told what I should or shouldn't do, what will make me happy again, or what will make things worse. It's my life; I'm the one living it & I have to live with constant feelings of guilt and heartache. I have the right to make my own desicions, what's best for ME. My life has taken such a drastic turn.. for the worst? Yes, but now I need to pick up the pieces of what used to be my life & live it again..
My life has changed so much, so much it nearly made my head spin. In a matter of minutes my whole life changed, once again. The majority of last year I spent preparing, preparing to be a mother, preparing to be the best mother I could possibly be, and now I dont have a child to take care of, our nursery is no longer needed & everything I spent so long preparing for - just isnt here now, my whole life is different. There wasnt a doubt in the world that I wouldn't be changing diapers right now, that I wouldnt have my sweet little girl to take care of, but that's not how things turned out. It's heartbreaking, gut wrenchingly painful but I dont think trying to get pregnant again is the answer, I dont think it will help me heal anymore then I am right now, it's a slow process but I am healing; in my own way. I'm not saying it wouldnt help some, but it just isnt the answer for me.
I still want to have a family, I truely do want to be a mother.. and I am. I felt it deep down inside of me when I was pregnant with Lily. I felt her and I knew then this is what I wanted. But she isnt here, physically, I have no child to care for, but.. she'll always be with me. I'll love her until my very last breath and beyond, she'll always be my first born, my sweet little girl but maybe right now isnt the time to try again. I think if I got pregnant now.. I would drive myself isnane, I would always think there was something wrong and honestly I'd always wish it were Lily, I'd wish she were here.
I think what I need to do is something for me. I want to better myself, I want to be all I can be for when I do have a family. I want to be physically fit, mentally stable and I want to have something to show for my hard work, I want to say "I did this and I'm godamn proud of myself" not that I wouldnt feel that way raising my daughter but that just isnt going to happen.
So, what am I going to do?
Well there are many things I plan on doing, many things I plan on changing in my life but the big one is.. Im going back to school. Im finally going to do something I want to do, something that makes me happy, that Im honestly excited about. Firstly, Im going back to get my Grade 12 math and english, not so excited about that but its the first step before getting into Tourism and Hospitality Management. And Im VERY excited about that. I grew up in the restaurant business, my parents ran 2 restaurants when I was between the ages of 7 and 14 & I love it. When I do graduate and I have this degree, there are so many different things I can do, any type of management within hotels, restaurants, cruiseships and even though I'll be majoring in hospitality, I can still get into Tourism if I want to. There's alot of oppurtunity for travel, though I'm pretty positive Cary and I have decided for right now we want to stay where we are but I can still travel on my own for work and still live here. This, is really exciting to me. I havent been excited about -anything- for a really long time.
I think going back to school is going to do me a world of good, give me back my self worth, give me back my confidence, my independence, my life. I'm not me anymore & I havent been since Lily died. I want who I used to be back. I used to be fun, outgoing, social, confident, determained, a good person, a good girlfriend, daughter, friend, sister. I stopped being all those things when I thought my life was over, when I heard the words "There's no heartbeat". When my world came crashing down in front of me, I stopped being all those things, I became a shell of the woman I used to be and I want ME back. And I think this is the first big step in the right direction - to grow, to heal, to be able to do something I really love and feel that zest for life again.
Maybe in a couple years we'll be ready again, maybe even just after I graduate, maybe not. I really dont know.. but when I am, I'll know. It'll be the right time for me, for us.
I know I'll never be the same again & it's stupid to think I can just go back to being who I was, my whole life shifted when I lost Lily, there's always going to be a part of me missing. So maybe I wont be the same Me I was before, but maybe I can try to be an even better person, an even better girlfriend, daughter, friend, sister.. I can heal and help others heal too. I can continue to build my relationship with Cary and our life together.
I dont want to constantly wish my life were different, I want to do something about it and make it better. I dont want to constantly ache for everything I dont have, I want to appreciate what I do have & cherish it. I want to realize what I can do for myself! I want to be proud of myself and my accomplishments!
I want to be whole again.. or as close to it as possible.