Thursday, January 20, 2011


I've been having panic attacks again. I litteraly feel like I'm dying and it's extremely unpleasant. They've been becoming less frequent when I exercise regularly though, so I guess I'm hitting two birds with one stone there - get in shape, loose the baby weight plus some and I dont have panic attacks as often. I've never had them this often though, and I'd really, really like to be med free but I guess I'll have to check in with my Dr to see if I should be.

Other then that, I've been feeling.. okay. I'm more open to talking about Lily and making her exsistance more real to others, and myself I guess. Sometimes, I feel like I was just pregnant for 9 months and then.. nothing, life just went back to the way it was. But that's just not true. She was alive, I felt her, she was real. & life is definitely not the same as it was, but sometimes it feels that way. Then I get a kick in the face from reality & I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like that sometimes? Perhaps it's my subconcious way of coping? I dont know..

Anywho, couple good things happening in my life.. school - I start tuesday. Hoooray. Excited! Also applying at the university for a cashier position at the book store there, only part time buut it's $18/hr.. so CHA-CHING but very little work. lol. Also, I'll be workin with Cary, well in the same university but the university is a little city in itself lol So maybe we can have lunch together? :P So that's pretty exciting aswell. I'm pretty much done not working and being on unemployment. I'm a very self sufficient person but somehow I've lost my independance and it feels awful.

Oh, and I've been cooking again. I have been cooking up a storm! & it feels pretty great and Cary definitely appreciates it. :)

Other then that, maybe I'm a bit excited for tax time? I am in DESPERATE need of some real money and to do a few things for myself (and Cary) first off - new phones! Woohoo blackberrys! I miss my BB Curve SO much! Annd Cary's getting a torch 'cause I'm such an AWESOME girlfriend lol. Annd I'll also be signing up for weight watchers and another 6 months at the gym and the rest goes in the bank! (oor maybe a night on the town and some new clothes then the rest in the bank? lol)

I think doing a few things just for me will be a really good thing, I'm living on such limited means right now, and I'm not used to it. I need to have those days where I can just go get my nails done with MY money or buy a new top or whatever the case may be but with MY money. It's never MY money anymore, it's Carys. I pay my rent/bills but that's it, I have zero money for anything else for myself and I hate "asking" for money. It stinks. It's made me quite a bit more.. careful with money, I guess. But I'm a girl damnit - I need my nails done every once and a while lol & I used to be able to do it with out "asking". I miss that.

I miss alot of things but these are things I can change, so it's all I got.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


I've been really thinking about myself lately, what I want, what I dont want, what will make my life full and satisfying again, what will make the pain of loosing Lily easier to deal with - not what anyone else thinks is "best for me". I'm tired of being told what I should or shouldn't do, what will make me happy again, or what will make things worse. It's my life; I'm the one living it & I have to live with constant feelings of guilt and heartache. I have the right to make my own desicions, what's best for ME. My life has taken such a drastic turn.. for the worst? Yes, but now I need to pick up the pieces of what used to be my life & live it again..

My life has changed so much, so much it nearly made my head spin. In a matter of minutes my whole life changed, once again. The majority of last year I spent preparing, preparing to be a mother, preparing to be the best mother I could possibly be, and now I dont have a child to take care of, our nursery is no longer needed & everything I spent so long preparing for - just isnt here now, my whole life is different. There wasnt a doubt in the world that I wouldn't be changing diapers right now, that I wouldnt have my sweet little girl to take care of, but that's not how things turned out. It's heartbreaking, gut wrenchingly painful but I dont think trying to get pregnant again is the answer, I dont think it will help me heal anymore then I am right now, it's a slow process but I am healing; in my own way. I'm not saying it wouldnt help some, but it just isnt the answer for me.

I still want to have a family, I truely do want to be a mother.. and I am. I felt it deep down inside of me when I was pregnant with Lily. I felt her and I knew then this is what I wanted. But she isnt here, physically, I have no child to care for, but.. she'll always be with me. I'll love her until my very last breath and beyond, she'll always be my first born, my sweet little girl but maybe right now isnt the time to try again. I think if I got pregnant now.. I would drive myself isnane, I would always think there was something wrong and honestly I'd always wish it were Lily, I'd wish she were here.

I think what I need to do is something for me. I want to better myself, I want to be all I can be for when I do have a family. I want to be physically fit, mentally stable and I want to have something to show for my hard work, I want to say "I did this and I'm godamn proud of myself" not that I wouldnt feel that way raising my daughter but that just isnt going to happen.

So, what am I going to do?

Well there are many things I plan on doing, many things I plan on changing in my life but the big one is.. Im going back to school. Im finally going to do something I want to do, something that makes me happy, that Im honestly excited about. Firstly, Im going back to get my Grade 12 math and english, not so excited about that but its the first step before getting into Tourism and Hospitality Management. And Im VERY excited about that. I grew up in the restaurant business, my parents ran 2 restaurants when I was between the ages of 7 and 14 & I love it. When I do graduate and I have this degree, there are so many different things I can do, any type of management within hotels, restaurants, cruiseships and even though I'll be majoring in hospitality, I can still get into Tourism if I want to. There's alot of oppurtunity for travel, though I'm pretty positive Cary and I have decided for right now we want to stay where we are but I can still travel on my own for work and still live here. This, is really exciting to me. I havent been excited about -anything- for a really long time.

I think going back to school is going to do me a world of good, give me back my self worth, give me back my confidence, my independence, my life. I'm not me anymore & I havent been since Lily died. I want who I used to be back. I used to be fun, outgoing, social, confident, determained, a good person, a good girlfriend, daughter, friend, sister. I stopped being all those things when I thought my life was over, when I heard the words "There's no heartbeat". When my world came crashing down in front of me, I stopped being all those things, I became a shell of the woman I used to be and I want ME back. And I think this is the first big step in the right direction - to grow, to heal, to be able to do something I really love and feel that zest for life again.

Maybe in a couple years we'll be ready again, maybe even just after I graduate, maybe not. I really dont know.. but when I am, I'll know. It'll be the right time for me, for us.

I know I'll never be the same again & it's stupid to think I can just go back to being who I was, my whole life shifted when I lost Lily, there's always going to be a part of me missing. So maybe I wont be the same Me I was before, but maybe I can try to be an even better person, an even better girlfriend, daughter, friend, sister.. I can heal and help others heal too. I can continue to build my relationship with Cary and our life together.

I dont want to constantly wish my life were different, I want to do something about it and make it better. I dont want to constantly ache for everything I dont have, I want to appreciate what I do have & cherish it. I want to realize what I can do for myself! I want to be proud of myself and my accomplishments!

I want to be whole again.. or as close to it as possible.

Saturday, January 8, 2011


I want today to be over. My mind is racing with not so distant memories of preparing for our little girl, my pregnancy, the day we found out Lily was gone, her delivery..

Grief continues to come in waves, crashing into my heart.. somedays I feel like maybe I'll be okay, days like today - I feel like giving up..

I feel so lost. And just.. broken.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


Well it's now 2011. We didn't do much for new years eve this time around - went for dinner with my parents then to a friends for a couple drinks. Nothing exciting, nothing to be happy & celebrate about. I hate 2010, it was honestly the worst year of my life. I spent the majority of the year from Feb to Nov miserable & pregnant, (nauseated, in pain, etc) all the while telling myself "Just 5 more months, just 4 more months, just 3 more months and it'll all be over, I'll have my baby and my life will be perfect." Little did I know, that would never happen.

After Lily died and we went threw what we did.. 2010 would have also been know as the year I offed myself.. luckily Cary was there to help me, pick me up and remind me that even in the face of a tragedy and such pain - there's still hope, our lives arent over, we just need to be strong. His love is the only thing that gets me threw my days, that and yoga, and meditation..

Speaking of which - since it's a new year, we figured we'd make some changes in our lives. We're not much for "New Years Resolutions" but we think it's about time to get our lives back and get healthy. Cary has gone back to judo, I've taken up yoga and meditation again, I'm trying to hit the gym as much as I can (as much as my gibbled foot will allow), we've quit smoking AGAIN (I should never have started again! Fuck me, I hate quitting smoking! UGH). Cary is doing quite well with quitting smoking, I'm struggling a bit. And I'm cooking again, good healthy meals. I used to love cooking, I still do, but for a long time I couldnt be bothered with it, so thats where some of the weight gain came in (not to mention the 20lbs of baby weight haunting me).

I really hope we can keep up this lifestyle once again. It's so easy to fall back into bad habits. I want my life back, I want to move forward, loose this weight, stop smoking and then maybe think about, maybe loosing the condoms and seeing what happens. Okay, I'm not talking about RIGHT NOW but in the future.. sometime. I want so badly to have the life that was so cruely taken from me, that I see so many people living. I'll never want to "replace" Lily but to make her a big sister. She'll always be my first born, my sweet baby Lily, I just want a family so bad, so badly it makes my heart ache. I want to be a mom...