Thursday, January 20, 2011


I've been having panic attacks again. I litteraly feel like I'm dying and it's extremely unpleasant. They've been becoming less frequent when I exercise regularly though, so I guess I'm hitting two birds with one stone there - get in shape, loose the baby weight plus some and I dont have panic attacks as often. I've never had them this often though, and I'd really, really like to be med free but I guess I'll have to check in with my Dr to see if I should be.

Other then that, I've been feeling.. okay. I'm more open to talking about Lily and making her exsistance more real to others, and myself I guess. Sometimes, I feel like I was just pregnant for 9 months and then.. nothing, life just went back to the way it was. But that's just not true. She was alive, I felt her, she was real. & life is definitely not the same as it was, but sometimes it feels that way. Then I get a kick in the face from reality & I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like that sometimes? Perhaps it's my subconcious way of coping? I dont know..

Anywho, couple good things happening in my life.. school - I start tuesday. Hoooray. Excited! Also applying at the university for a cashier position at the book store there, only part time buut it's $18/hr.. so CHA-CHING but very little work. lol. Also, I'll be workin with Cary, well in the same university but the university is a little city in itself lol So maybe we can have lunch together? :P So that's pretty exciting aswell. I'm pretty much done not working and being on unemployment. I'm a very self sufficient person but somehow I've lost my independance and it feels awful.

Oh, and I've been cooking again. I have been cooking up a storm! & it feels pretty great and Cary definitely appreciates it. :)

Other then that, maybe I'm a bit excited for tax time? I am in DESPERATE need of some real money and to do a few things for myself (and Cary) first off - new phones! Woohoo blackberrys! I miss my BB Curve SO much! Annd Cary's getting a torch 'cause I'm such an AWESOME girlfriend lol. Annd I'll also be signing up for weight watchers and another 6 months at the gym and the rest goes in the bank! (oor maybe a night on the town and some new clothes then the rest in the bank? lol)

I think doing a few things just for me will be a really good thing, I'm living on such limited means right now, and I'm not used to it. I need to have those days where I can just go get my nails done with MY money or buy a new top or whatever the case may be but with MY money. It's never MY money anymore, it's Carys. I pay my rent/bills but that's it, I have zero money for anything else for myself and I hate "asking" for money. It stinks. It's made me quite a bit more.. careful with money, I guess. But I'm a girl damnit - I need my nails done every once and a while lol & I used to be able to do it with out "asking". I miss that.

I miss alot of things but these are things I can change, so it's all I got.


  1. Hey, I came across your blog from face of Loss face of hope. I do not know youre story but it looks like you had a full term loss!? I am So so sorry. What is your baby girls sweet name? my blog is my daughter Naomi Hope was born 28 w 1 day to severe preeclampsia, 1 lb 12 oz. She surivved 35 days and passed away June 1, 2009. Was born April 27, 2009. It breaks my heart every day knowing she isnt here with me. I miss her SO much. If you want to chat, i am here. or on facebook Jill Marish

  2. Yes, I did have a fullterm loss, actually I was a week late. My Daughters name is Lilian May. Im so sorry for your loss, and thank you for commenting. I will check out your blog sometime. Take care <3