Things arent so great between Cary and I right now & I dont know what to do. We were arguing all day over nothing, so we ended up spending the day apart. Well, actually he left with out telling me and then texted me 4 hours later saying he was gone for the day/night. I was pretty upset, I wanted to apologize and he just left. That hurt quite a bit..
A couple hours later, I got an email from a random person telling me they were sorry about Lily. Then another and another. Finally I figured it out - my story had been posted on http://www.facesofloss.com/. So I went to the website and there I was "I am the face of fullterm stillbirth". I, of course re-read what I had wrote (my first blog entry that I'd copied and pasted) and I broke down. I cried for hours, wishing and hoping Cary would come home. He never did..
A bit later, I decided that I would finally put pictures in a frame that I'd had for a while. I had planned on using that frame for family pictures - so that's what I did. I found a nice picture of Cary and I, a picture of a lily.. and Lily's first ultrasound picture. I put them in the frame, all in black and white since the ultrasound picture was of course black and white. It looked nice. I couldn't wait to hang it. After I did that, I felt better. I felt like now I'd always be able to look at my sweet baby just how I'd want to remember her - alive.
I ended up going to walmart for a couple hours looking for a new comforter for my bed and one for my niece. I had left the picture on our dresser because I didn't know where to hang it yet. I was also hoping Cary would come home and see the picture. I figured he would like it, I figured he would feel the same way I did about it. I was wrong..
When I got home, he was in the TV room so I went to talk to him. He wouldnt even look at me. He said what I'd done was totally not apropriate and if I wanted to see Lily everyday that I should take that picture out and replace it with one that nurses took after she was born because she isn't alive, shes dead - she was dead before she was even born so those pictures dont matter anymore (ultrasound pictures). He knows I would never do that so I took that as him just trying to be hurtful. I couldn't believe what he'd said to me so I just left the room without saying anything. I came back after I collected my thoughts and all I could muster up was that what he'd said was horrible and I was very, very hurt and that also I wouldnt be coming to lunch tomorrow with his mom and I would find my own way to my doctors appointment (6 wk postpartum). I havent said a word to him since & to be honest I dont want to, I dont want to apologize for framing that picture and I dont want to take it out. I could care less about our fighting earlier today, I've long since forgiven and forgotten about that but what he said to me was so hurtful..
I dont want to forget about her & I dont want anyone else to either. She was MY DAUGHTER whether she was alive or dead when she was born. She was mine. I carried her for 9 months, I felt her kick me in the ribs and thats all the time I got with her and I'm going to cherish it and I'm going to remember it, always.
She was also Cary's daughter. I dont know if this is just his way of coping - trying to forget. Forget she even exsisted. That's exactly what it seems like and that hurts me so badly.
I dont know what to do. Am I wrong? Am I wrong to want ONE picture of my daughter around? ONE picture where she was still alive, how I so badly want to remember her?
I found your blog through your story on Face of Loss. I hope you don't mind my reading/commenting. I know that our situation is different because we lost our son to SIDS. But, I can tell you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to remember her, with wanting to see her every day, with wanting to feel her presence with you. There is at least one picture of Matthew in every single room of our house. Every single room. I don't ever want to be in a place where I can't see him or feel him. I wear his picture around my neck each and every day, I talk about him often. He is and always will be my son, just as Lily is and always will be your daughter, your first born and there is nothing wrong with wanting her close to you. I can tell you from experience, the first 3 months were the roughest in our relationship. We were grieving so deeply and we because we trusted and loved each other so much, it was as though we were able to snap with each other and know that we would get through it. Have you thought about grief counseling together? For many it can help. I am really sorry for your loss, and I am sorry for the hardships you are enduring now. Healinghearts.net is a great resource too. And know, there is nothing you can do or not do that would keep you from forgetting her, you are her mommy. Lots of hugs.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through faces of loss as well. While we never got to meet our precious baby, it still just about killed our marriage. About 6 weeks after my 12 week miscarriage, my husband and I separated because of the strain that the loss put on our marriage. We ended up staying separated for 6 months. It's so very hard to keep a relationship going when you're both in so much pain. I think men and women just process grief differently. I was constantly thinking of all the things we'd lost and the things we'd never get to do while he just wanted it to be behind us. It was so bizarre but it wasn't until the one year anniversary that I felt like I finally saw his grief. He even cried. I am so very sorry that he's trying to make you feel guilty for remembering and for putting a picture up in your home. I hope that you find a way to grieve together and that the loss of your precious Lily (whose name I just love) doesn't continue to hurt your relationship. Feel free to email me.
ReplyDeleteJessica, I am so sorry for your loss. I've been there myself.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that was hard for me was I felt like my husband didn't really miss her. It didn't seem to be so hard on him. He seemed to go back to "normal" life while I was falling apart.
The truth is- and this is true for almost every
dad, even those who's babies live- a baby isn't "real" for the dad until it's born. You got to feel her, and carry her and love her everyday. He didn't. She was very abstract for him. It isn't until a baby is born that the father truly falls in love. In your case, Cary was robbed of that. Don't forget that he's hurting too. Just like it's hard for you to see pictures of yourself when you are pregnant, it may be hard for him to see pictures of your baby. It's a hard reminder.
Losing a child with either make you or break you. That is the truth. You will either lean on each other or push each other away.
Good luck in your journey to healing. I promise, it does get easier.