Monday, December 20, 2010


I cant stop thinking about how this christmas COULD have been, what we'd be doing, the sweet little christmas outfits I'd be dressing Lily in, taking her to see the family..

It's heartbreaking thinking about what could have been and knowing the best christmas of my life will now be the worst.

Maybe because it's the holidays, it's harder - it hurts more.. maybe after new years.. it'll get easier? Maybe I won't break down as much as I do? Probably not, but I can hope. I know this pain will never leave me but I'm praying that it gets easier to live with.

I think maybe I should start packing up the nursery. I go in there too much. I hate seeing all of her stuff unused but I havent had the heart to pack it all up & I havent allowed anyone else to touch or move anything. It's the little piece of her I have left. Even though it hurts so bad to see it all, I still go in there almost everyday..

I really am a masocist.

Maybe it will help to not have this stuff in the house?

It's been over a month and I havent been able to even let myself think of packing anything up, or not thinking of that as HER room. I feel like if her stuff gets put away, we'll start to forget about her. I feel stupid even saying that, I will NEVER forget about her, she is my daughter, my first born & she'll always be apart of me..

I feel guilty wanting to put her stuff away but maybe it will be easier to live without her if I dont have to see her unused crib everyday....


  1. I think all of the firsts are the hardest. I lost Jacob 7 months ago and Christmas was still hard. I think until the first birthday arrives, each first will be really tough....

    I cried everyday for 3 months after we lost Jacob, and then it moved to every second or third day. Now it is back to everyday, probably because we lost another baby. Grief takes its time. The stages of grief come and go and then come again. Just when you think you are done with one of the stages, it comes roaring back into your life.

    Just take it day by day, and sometimes hour by hour. I think it is the only way to survive this.


  2. I just read your story on faces of loss, and I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet girl.The holidays are hard.
    As far as packing up her stuff, I think everyone is different, I could barely step foot in my daughters room, she slept in my room when she was here with us, but I couldn't bare to look at it long enough to go through it.. I think when you are ready you will know.. there is no right or wrong in baby loss, no rules or 'normal'.. and I agree with the comment above, take it one day at a time, one hour at a time. And above all remember to be gentle with yourself.. this loss is unspeakable, traumatic and often too much to handle.. and I am so sorry that you are now in this club of baby lost moms..