I cant stop thinking about how this christmas COULD have been, what we'd be doing, the sweet little christmas outfits I'd be dressing Lily in, taking her to see the family..
It's heartbreaking thinking about what could have been and knowing the best christmas of my life will now be the worst.
Maybe because it's the holidays, it's harder - it hurts more.. maybe after new years.. it'll get easier? Maybe I won't break down as much as I do? Probably not, but I can hope. I know this pain will never leave me but I'm praying that it gets easier to live with.
I think maybe I should start packing up the nursery. I go in there too much. I hate seeing all of her stuff unused but I havent had the heart to pack it all up & I havent allowed anyone else to touch or move anything. It's the little piece of her I have left. Even though it hurts so bad to see it all, I still go in there almost everyday..
I really am a masocist.
Maybe it will help to not have this stuff in the house?
It's been over a month and I havent been able to even let myself think of packing anything up, or not thinking of that as HER room. I feel like if her stuff gets put away, we'll start to forget about her. I feel stupid even saying that, I will NEVER forget about her, she is my daughter, my first born & she'll always be apart of me..
I feel guilty wanting to put her stuff away but maybe it will be easier to live without her if I dont have to see her unused crib everyday....