Meds

After today, I dont think my views on medication are quite the same as I once thought. I was a firm believer in exercise, good diet, meditation, relaxing - I felt that was the only thing I needed for anxiety and panic attacks. Today, I realized none of that is going to help, not to the point that I need it too. I hate taking medication, I hate it. After today, I'll be thankful for it.

Last night, a bad mood turned into rage then to crying, panic, self-loathing, desperation for my daughter, more guilt then I ever thought I could feel, longing.. I woke up this morning in a haze, constantly on the verge of tears. I got threw school, did what I needed to & left for work. The elevator was broken so I took the stairs. I went up two flights to our office and then decided to go back down for a smoke before I started. I came down the first flight and about 1/4 way down the next and I got the horribly firmilar feeling - tight chest, hard to breath, sweating, vertigo, shaky. These are feelings I know all too well and even so it completely caught me off gaurd. I panicked & I fell. I have a nice bruise on the side of my face, my knee is fucked and my arm is all scraped up.

I never thought panic attacks and anxiety would or could effect my daily life so much, I thought I could control it. I was wrong. I swore I wouldnt take Celexa again and I still wont, but I cant live like this.