Thursday, July 7, 2011

This is my life..

Life goes on, and as it does grief becomes easier to handle but memories never fade, whether they are good or bad. But even though the grief becomes easier to deal with, it's still there - just not at the surface anymore. I can smile, when something good happens - I'm happy. I try to laugh, to love and to live. But a part of me is still so damaged I cry myself to see some nights, wishing, aching, wanting so badly to have you in my arms. Lately, my bad days are.. awful. Sometimes it feels like my bad days (weeks?) out weigh the good ones and I know it pains everyone around me to see me laying in bed all day - sad, hurt and feeling utterly hopeless. Cary tries so hard to help me, but in those dark times I want to be alone, I'd rather no one see me like that.

I havent writen here in a really long time. Life seems to be standing still in a dark cloud of anxiety, depression and low self esteem most of the time. No one wants to hear about that, but thats my life. I do still have good things in my life but I'm not working, not doing anything to better myself, over eating, over sleeping, binge drinking once again. My medication helped for a while but doesnt seem to be doing anything anymore so we upped the dose, guess we'll see what happens. Most of the time, I may seem happy enough, but if you knew how I really felt inside you'd wonder how I even got up in the morning, and honestly alot of times I dont or it's a horrible struggle.

Even though I feel like this, I want to try, to try and be happy again, my old self or something close to it. Starting monday, it's all about work, exercise, weight watchers and NO drinking.

Wish me luck and hopefully my next post wont reak of heartache.

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