I havent posted here in a while. I havent had time, energy - mentally or physically or the drive to really sit down and let it all out. I've been working, going to school, taking care of things at home, trying to keep myself active (sometimes) but mostly I've been pushing every bit of grief, sadness & pain away. Far, far away. I've been trying so hard to ignore it, keep it out of my head and relish in the love and happiness I still have in my life. I still havent put Lily's stuff away, I havent stepped foot in there in probably a month, maybe more. I feel a great amount of guilt, deep down - I dont let that escape the depths of my mind very often either. It hurts too much to think, I'm the reason Lily isnt here, I did something wrong. That is what I think regardless of whether it's the truth or not. It hurts too much, so I just dont think about it anymore. I feel guilty for not going in her room, for not spending the time to put her things away, folding them neatly and putting them in a box, just as I did putting her stuff in her dresser after we'd spent months buying all of it. I feel guilty, but I dont think about it. I rarely talk about her.
I feel like I'm not healing, but I'm just pushing it all away. Keeping it all away from the surface so no one will notice, so even I dont notice how heartbroken I am.
Cary and I are closer than ever, even with our crazy schedules. He makes me happy, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel loved and wanted. He's maybe the only person in my life that truly knows how I am feeling, because even with this charade I put on, no matter how far away I push my pain. He always sees threw me. He's the only one who sees me when I break down. Which may not happen often but when it does, it's an intense wave of emotion that knocks me down and sometimes I cant get up for hours.
I fill my days with work & school, I keep myself busy and when I come home, I spend as much time with Cary as I can even if it's just laying in bed in his arms. He makes me feel safe and just when I feel myself beginning to think about my guilt, my pain - he makes my heart whole again, as whole as it'll ever be after loosing Lily. When I do break down he's there to hold me, but it's different then every other day. There's an intensity, there's strength I've never felt before, sort of like he's holding me together when I cant do it for myself.
Last week, I had my IUD put in. I dont know how I feel about this. I'm still a mother, a mother with empty arms. A mother with no child present but a mother none the less. That part of me thinks on a daily basis that I should be going to the clinic and having it removed. I want a baby. I want a family. I know Cary does too.
On the other hand, the broken hearted mother, the mother with no child present who feels an unbareable amount of guilt thinks maybe, maybe it's Lily I want. Not another baby. That part of me thinks having the IUD put in was a smart move and until I can come to terms with the loss of Lily and have the strength and love to welcome another child into the world and not long for it to be Lily, the IUD stays.