Thursday, March 17, 2011


I havent posted here in a while. I havent had time, energy - mentally or physically or the drive to really sit down and let it all out. I've been working, going to school, taking care of things at home, trying to keep myself active (sometimes) but mostly I've been pushing every bit of grief, sadness & pain away. Far, far away. I've been trying so hard to ignore it, keep it out of my head and relish in the love and happiness I still have in my life. I still havent put Lily's stuff away, I havent stepped foot in there in probably a month, maybe more. I feel a great amount of guilt, deep down - I dont let that escape the depths of my mind very often either. It hurts too much to think, I'm the reason Lily isnt here, I did something wrong. That is what I think regardless of whether it's the truth or not. It hurts too much, so I just dont think about it anymore. I feel guilty for not going in her room, for not spending the time to put her things away, folding them neatly and putting them in a box, just as I did putting her stuff in her dresser after we'd spent months buying all of it. I feel guilty, but I dont think about it. I rarely talk about her.

I feel like I'm not healing, but I'm just pushing it all away. Keeping it all away from the surface so no one will notice, so even I dont notice how heartbroken I am.

Cary and I are closer than ever, even with our crazy schedules. He makes me happy, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel loved and wanted. He's maybe the only person in my life that truly knows how I am feeling, because even with this charade I put on, no matter how far away I push my pain. He always sees threw me. He's the only one who sees me when I break down. Which may not happen often but when it does, it's an intense wave of emotion that knocks me down and sometimes I cant get up for hours.

I fill my days with work & school, I keep myself busy and when I come home, I spend as much time with Cary as I can even if it's just laying in bed in his arms. He makes me feel safe and just when I feel myself beginning to think about my guilt, my pain - he makes my heart whole again, as whole as it'll ever be after loosing Lily. When I do break down he's there to hold me, but it's different then every other day. There's an intensity, there's strength I've never felt before, sort of like he's holding me together when I cant do it for myself.

Last week, I had my IUD put in. I dont know how I feel about this. I'm still a mother, a mother with empty arms. A mother with no child present but a mother none the less. That part of me thinks on a daily basis that I should be going to the clinic and having it removed. I want a baby. I want a family. I know Cary does too.

On the other hand, the broken hearted mother, the mother with no child present who feels an unbareable amount of guilt thinks maybe, maybe it's Lily I want. Not another baby. That part of me thinks having the IUD put in was a smart move and until I can come to terms with the loss of Lily and have the strength and love to welcome another child into the world and not long for it to be Lily, the IUD stays.


  1. So many parts of this post ring true for me.

    Sometimes staying busy is the best thing. When I'm not busy, I feel lost and full or turmoil and I don't think I can stand another second. But then I start a project...knitting or doing something with the names of lost babies and it helps.

    There is no hurry to put Lily's things away. You will know when the time is right. I know of people who kept the baby's nursery up for a year or more. Just do it when it feels right.

    I'm so that you have Cary in your life. I think I would have gone crazy by now if I didn't have my husband, who is incredibly supportive.

    The guilt recedes a little as time goes on, but I don't know if it ever goes away. But that is the life of a mother, I understand (Many Mom's with living children tell me they feel guilty for many things.....why should it be any different for us - we are mothering our baby's in a different way).

    About trying again....I too wonder if I really want another child, or do I just want Jacob back. I absolutely want Jacob back, but it is hard to separate the need to be pregnant again, with figuring out if I am really ready to be. It is hard to express this to people in my life, I think only another baby loss Mom would understand.

    Thinking of you and Lily everyday.

  2. I know exactly what you mean, nobody gets it but it's so hard to seperate either I want to try again for a healthy (living) baby or if I just want my daughter. I dont think I'm ready to try again, I would hate to look at my newborn and desperately want him or her to be Lily. I would hate myself if I thought that. Someday though I'll be ready, and Lily will be a big sister, this child wont be a "replacement".

    I think Lily's stuff is going to stay where it is for now, everytime I think about I just cant bring myself to start packing it up, or even go in there. So, I guess that just means Im not ready, so that stays where it is too.

    Thanks so much for all the comments. I appreciate it. I dont read all the BLM's blogs as often as I'd like, so I really appreciate that you read mine. Much Love <3