Today after I was finished writing Lily's story I decided I'd finally get my ass down to Shapes. Cary had told me to take his bankcard and go down there and sign up for 3 months and we'll see how that goes and likely get another 3-6 months after that. So I did and I'm so glad I did. I'm really excited to start working out and get back into shape. I have a long way to go but I also have alot of time on my hands since we've decided I won't be returning to work too soon..
..but as I was telling the chick at shapes my goals and what I want to get my weight down to, I mentioned that I had just dropped 25 lbs and I instantly wished I hadn't because she asked me "How?". I sure as hell didn't want to tell a perfect stranger that I had just given birth and that was just over half my baby weight. If I had told her, I'm sure I would have gotten a million questions about my baby. So I lied. I said I'd been working out at home for the past 2 months. Is this what my life is going to come to now? Lying? Avoiding the topic with ever fiber of my being? I should be beaming and telling people all about my little girl but I'm putting all of my energy into avoiding that topic and lying about not only where the extra 25lbs (40lbs in total of baby weight) went, but my life for the past 9 months - like it never even happend, why I havent been working for the past 3 months and so on.
I hate lying. I dont know about other mothers who've lost their children but it's not something I can openly share with people I dont know (unless they've gone threw what I have).. it was hard enough to share it with people I do know. I guess that's my right though, I don't have to share what happend with ANYONE if I dont want to but having to lie about my life for the past (almost) year is frustrating.
If you're not ready to talk about it, then you're just not ready. And that's okay. In the end - because of how serious a loss you've gone through - people will understand why you lied in the first place.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to ease the guilt that comes with the lying, simply tell people who ask that the situation isn't something you want to talk about, that it's too personal. They'll know and hopefully understand that you don't want to talk about it and that they should drop the subject and move onto something more comfortable for you.
Jess - if you ever do want to talk, I'm here for you, alright? I really mean that. I know we barely talk anymore since the Y but I just want you to know that I am here if you ever want to meet up and grab a coffee and talk or sit somewhere for the day.
♥ Linsey